Heart racing, I clicked out of Facebook and had a think. What benefit could allowing this man back into my life possibly have for me? On the other hand, I was settled and happy and a huge part of me wanted to show that off to the man that broke my heart.
My page was filled with pictures of Sam and I having fun, of me with girlfriends drinking, eating, shopping, reclining in hot tubs…it wouldn’t half show him how I’d moved on, wouldn’t it!
Then I realised an overwhelming curiosity to see what his life was like. Was he married? Kids? Living a life of luxury in London on masses of money from his high up job?
Before I could change my mind, I hit the accept button.
I then slammed my phone into my bag and gripped the arms of my chair. Defriend or stay friends? What have I done? Was this my first move in a stalker waltz that would leave me emotionally battered and bruised, again?
It took nanoseconds for the craziness to wash over me. Adrenaline surged through my veins; my heart raced, my hands were twisting and knotting, my breathing shallowed. To all intents and purposes I was having a full blown panic attack. Oh lord, where was a paper bag when I needed one? All I have to hand was a yellow Selfridges & Co bag, used to package my most recent purchase. It was at work because my most recent purchase had travelled home in a bag from H&M. No need to advertise the fact that I’d blown rather a large sum on THE MOST FABULOUS SHOES. Sophia Webster kitten heels. Okay, so a little bit retro, but…sorry, I digress.
Focussing on my breathing, I reached for my colouring book. Intricate tropical scenes or an underwater coral reef? Oh, who was I kidding? Not the most mindful of mindfulness tools was going to help me sort this one – I knew exactly what was going on.
They say you never get over your first love. Well, I just proved it. Crap.
Oh blimey – now another dilemma reared its smug little head. Do I tell Sam about Jamie’s Friend request?